Roy Orbison Wrapped in Clingfilm

My good friend Gokmop recently turned me on to this, commenting:

This has all the hallmarks of a good one, because it makes me uncomfortable and it’s not immediately clear whether it’s a joke or not. 🙂

“This” is a collection of short stories, haikus, a song, and a novel dedicated to the subject of wrapping Roy Orbison in clingfilm (AKA plastic wrap). The original author is Ulrich Haarbürste, whose business manager is Michael Kelly (their relationship is similar to Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler).

From the first short story:

Roy Orbison walks inside my house and sits down on my couch. We talk urbanely of various issues of the day. Presently I say, ‘Perhaps you would like to see my cling-film?’

‘By all means.’ I cannot see his eyes through his trademark dark glasses and I have no idea if he is merely being polite or if he genuinely has an interest in cling-film.

I bring it from the kitchen, all the rolls of it. ‘I have a surprising amount of clingfilm,’ I say with a nervous laugh. Roy merely nods.

And from an interview in a Canadian newspaper:

Does [your passion for writing about wrapping Roy Orbison in clingfilm] include other celebrities?

No, absolutely not! It must be Roy Orbison. For me, maybe it’s OK for other people, I do not judge but I find it odd. Some person sent me a story about Tom Petty in clingfilm and I deleted it. I do not get that, I try to be broad-minded but who would possibly want to wrap Tom Petty in clingfilm? There are strange people in the world.

It is yet another (albeit tongue-in-cheek) example of XKCD’s Rule 34 of the Internet, “If you can imagine it, there is porn of it.”

Restraint

I’ve had the honor of serving as best man three times, and I’ve started my toast the same way each time:

The problem with being the best man is that you never get to prove it.

That’s the problem with showing restraint as well. You seldom get credit because no one knows you’ve done it. It’s worse than thinking of the perfect line three minutes after its intended recipient has left. The line is right there, but you choose not to use it.

I was at a friend’s desk this afternoon when a woman we work with stopped by. This woman is intelligent, savvy and widely acknowledged throughout the office as quite a dish. The conversation turned to where should she take her team for a holiday lunch. My pal recommended a particular restaurant because the waitresses are always gorgeous, before conceding that this might not, in fact, be an important feature for her. She said, “Yeah, not my cup of tea.”

Even though I died a little inside, I refrained from saying “Damn it!” then handing my buddy five bucks.

And this is yet one more reason why I think it’s just completely unfair that HR has me on speed dial.