The Long Road Ahead

I woke up on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016 and checked my feed to see if Hillary Clinton had been declared the winner yet. I remember feeling my stomach go sour in real time when I learned that Donald Trump had carried Michigan and Wisconsin, and won the whole shooting match.

For context, I was not excited for a Clinton presidency. The two-party primary system often produces two undesirable choices. 2016 featured (in the far corner) a seasoned senator and Secretary of State with tons of baggage and an irritating stage presence VERSUS (in this corner) a cartoon. I fully expected for the adult to win, and for the next four years to be a lot like the last four.

What does that mean? Deliberately blinkering present-day hindsight, I suppose I expected that national and global matters would continue to occupy a portion of my attention. I would agree or disagree with some of the administration’s policy objectives while investing the bulk of my attention on my job, marriage, friendships, and interests.

“Der mentsh trakht un got lakht.”

“Man plans and God laughs.”

—Yiddish adage

For the next four years what the United States and the world got was a feckless narcissist. Cynically held at arm’s length by the GOP, the Evangelicals, the Dominionists, and the Money, while their agendas were furthered. Cultishly adored by an assortment of bigots, temporarily embarrassed millionaires, Iron John throwbacks, and those simply lacking the imagination to do anything other than support the party they always had, while their wallets were lightened. Sanctimoniously mocked and vilified by lofty academics, celebrities with opinions, New Yorker-reading artisanal egg-eaters, and those on the Left who confuse the approbation of their individual identities with a political platform, while their positions were eroded.1

Behavior unbecoming a functioning adult, let alone the President of the United States of America, was modeled and normalized. Refugees were subjected to inhumane conditions, violence and hate were stoked and encouraged, a public health crisis was politicized and left unchecked, the media were declared the enemy, and an electorate was further polarized.

The last four years have been exhausting, and I think most people across the political spectrum nationally and internationally, whether willing to admit it, are looking forward to a breather before donning their armor and diving back into the fray. Go on, no matter what your politics, light some candles and have a soak. Maybe rub one out while you’re in there.

The road ahead is long. I expect for the pandemic in the US to get much worse before it gets better. I expect this to be a significant driver of a global Depression that makes the 2008 financial crisis look like the teacups at Disney. I expect for the outgoing president to continue his screed of hate and division; a sad little king on a sad little hill.2 I suspect that some faction of Y’All Qaeda will get riled up enough to take a shot at President Biden or Vice President Harris. I hope they fail.

Coming from someone whose heart is allegedly filled with spiders, this may sound disconcertingly pollyannaish, but I suggest we find ways to lighten one another’s load. Whether your instinct is to gloat, rage, or clam up, please consider that most people have a lot on them right now, regardless of their politics or ideology. Consider seeking ways, no matter how small, to elevate each other. Please.

My doctor (the fellow I’ve seen for the last 30-odd years for annual physicals and the occasional STD) said something to me years ago that stuck. “Nothing is ever as bad or as good as it first seems. Now, drop your trousers and think of Christmas.”

It seems as good a mantra as any.


  1. Fun Time: Guess which of these cohorts best describes the author!

  2. River from Firefly

Litany

I believe Epstein toooootally killed himself.

I believe a fundamental key to a happy, rich life is not getting noticed by the cops1.

I believe the notion of civilian militias overthrowing the United States government is a maladapted jerkoff fantasy, and the only things protecting Americans from the comically overwhelming force of its military are the oath taken by and the humanity of its members.

I believe in making a daily practice of spreading kōans. This can be a joke with a twist punchline, a bizarre way of looking at a situation, a magic trick, an Easter egg, or anything to arrest the audience’s internal reverie and invite them to view the world as this huge, amazing place, full of unimaginable variety and possibility2.

I believe our elected representatives are meant to be the best of us, and never in US history has that ideal been as distant.

I believe that when conflicted over which choice is morally or ethically correct, it is frequently the harder one.

I believe “shot a duck” is the Platonic ideal of fart euphemisms.

I believe permitting a government to implement a ubiquitous surveillance apparatus for any reason is a time bomb, and among the worst legacies we can leave our descendants.

I believe in my right to own a gun; I am deeply ambivalent about yours.

I believe those who erected Confederate monuments3 in the first place were giving a deliberate and massive middle finger to their communities’ minorities, and I believe those today who seek to remove or replace them are missing the bigger picture: Leave them up, stop maintaining them, then document the bigots who show up to pull the weeds.

I believe Postmodernism’s assertion that, since there is no objective truth, that your ignorance is as good as my education, is vapid and bankrupt. And I believe Call-out Culture is its mewling dumpster baby, the perfect outlet for the couchbound, bitter, and certain.

I believe in living as if there is no God and, since we are all alone, we had better look out for one another.

And I believe the number one argument in favor of there being a God is the wimmens.


  1. I don’t normally bag on cops in public forums, because I am afraid they will kick my door in and shoot my dog. Given their track record, though, they’ll likely go to the wrong house).

  2. Given the preponderance of cruelty, want, and plain old bad luck in the world, a little proactive joy seems warranted.

  3. Second place trophies.

Poet for Hire

On a recent trip to the UK (where I invariably go to feel better about my own country), I had a singular experience on the south side of the Millennium Bridge. There was this fellow sitting on a folding chair behind an Olivetti typewriter on a portable tray, with a sandwich board announcing:

Poet for Hire

An actual reason for being in London was to take in some quality busking, and this, a poet for hire, I thought was novel. The ecrivain’s name was Lewis, and he explained how it worked. I was to pick a title, then go away for five minutes. He would write my poem, and I would pay whatever I felt it was worth.

The missus and I had just climbed to the Golden Gallery of Saint Paul’s Cathedral, and my perineum was still quivering fitfully owing to my discomfort with heights. I told Lewis that I thought “Vertigo” would be a good title for the poem, but I did not share why:

Saint Paul's Dome

I went off to have a soothing chat with the perineum, and returned to Lewis’ perch five minutes later. He presented me with Vertigo, with which I am delighted and I am having framed (for murder):

Vertigo, by Lewis Parker

Lewis and I talked books and typewriters for a few minutes. The nerd t-shirt I was wearing (SELECT finger FROM hand WHERE id = 3) sparked a conversation about data, so we talked a little about my job. I gave him my card, which he was entertained by:

MrPikes | Data Werewolf

All told, it was a ten-minute interaction in an activity-filled, week-long vacation in one of the world’s great cities. And it was a high point of the trip. Lewis is taking what is inherently an internal process and putting it (and himself) out in the world, in part to challenge mainstream assumptions about poetry and in part because a world with poets for hire in it is objectively cooler than one without. I invite you to visit his publishing business and follow @morbidbooks on Twitter.

MrPikes’ Top 10 Favorite Movies: Postamble

This post is part 12 of 12 in a series. To read the entire series in order: MrPikes' Top 10 Favorite Movies

If any of these posts has inspired you to give even one of these movies an initial chance or a second look, then my effort has been rewarded immeasurably.

I don’t regret my choices for a moment, especially since this list was never meant to be carved in stone. With so many of my favorite writers, directors, actors and cinematographers still working, odds are good that I’ll happily be making adjustments.

A few parting thoughts.

Technology never gets worse (except for whatever those shit farmers were getting up to in the Dark Ages). I’m disappointed that I couldn’t find a way to work an animated film into the 10. So many delight and amaze me, like The Incredibles (2004). Computer-generated Imagery (CGI) offers filmmakers an ever wider palette for projecting their imaginations into the world, provided they don’t get lost in the tech or the pace of its lifecycle. There must be something liberating and utterly terrifying about having the ability to create an entire film literally from nothing.

Technology always gets cheaper and more accessible. Movie studios will likely be with us for a long time (effects-laden blockbusters with exotic locations more or less require them), but here-now-today we have never had a more hospitable environment for independent filmmaking and distribution. That’s exciting, because there are more and better stories to tell than Hollywood (or its international equivalents) has the imagination or risk tolerance to greenlight, and there is enough of an appetite for good storytelling to make these movies profitable.

Never start with the technology. To stage a play all you need is a story, light, air, actors, gravity (optional) and an audience. While I love having my mind blown by the scale of movies like The Avengers (2012), I am made equally happy (if not more so) by movies like Sleuth (1972). For Pete’s sake, start with a worthwhile story and then embellish it with great acting and visuals. Anything else is like trying to polish a turd. And Hollywood, please stop systematically ruining my happy childhood memories with your cynical failures to cash in on my nostalgia. Or don’t. The days of your captive, artificially-propped-up business model are numbered. Maybe. Previously.

Bonus fun 10 movies (not otherwise mentioned) that might have made the top 10:

  • Blade Runner (1982, 1992, 2007 or whenever the last time was that Ridley Scott stopped fucking around with it)
  • Brazil (1985)
  • Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)
  • The Fifth Element (1997)
  • Forbidden Planet (1956)
  • The Name of the Rose (1986)
  • One Night at McCool’s (2001)
  • Ronin (1998)
  • Strange Days (1995)
  • Zombieland (2009)

MrPikes’ Top 10 Favorite Movies: #1 Harold and Maude (1971)

This post is part 11 of 12 in a series. To read the entire series in order: MrPikes' Top 10 Favorite Movies

I have developed a significant personal connection with this movie and I can only watch it every so often because I can’t not weep openly every time I do. I’ve had some experience with loss and watching Harold and Maude stirs all that shit up.

I tell people it’s two movies. Upon first viewing, it’s a quirky, somewhat dated black comedy. The sexual relationship between 19-year-old Harold and 79-year-old Maude has shock value and all, as does Harold’s elaborate staging of mock suicides. It’s a solidly entertaining (if a little uneven) irreverent movie.

Upon every subsequent viewing, however, when you know what’s coming, it’s the saddest, most beautiful film I ever hope to see.

Scored entirely by Cat Stevens, directed by Hal Ashby ‒ who got a fantastic performance out of Jack Nicholson in The Last Detail (1973) ‒ co-starring Bud Cort (a promising young actor whose career suffered a tragic setback) and Ruth Gordon, released in the year of my birth, Harold and Maude is my answer to the question, “MrPikes, you’re into movies, what’s your favorite?”

Harold and Maude is my favorite. When my beautiful bride and I threw a balls-out gala to celebrate our marriage, we gifted copies to all the guests and staff. Harold and Maude is one of the ways we got together.

So, the movie I love most is actually hard for me to watch. I’ll be damned.

MrPikes’ Top 10 Favorite Movies: #2 Out of Sight (1998)

This post is part 10 of 12 in a series. To read the entire series in order: MrPikes' Top 10 Favorite Movies

Given Steven Soderbergh’s popular projects ‒ the Ocean’s Eleven movies (2001, 2004, 2007), Erin Brockovich (2000) and, going further back, Sex, Lies and Videotape (1989) ‒ I guess I’m a little surprised Out of Sight did not make it into more people’s queues. It’s a proper heist movie (based on the Elmore Leonard novel of the same name) starring George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez, Ving Rhames and Don Cheadle, with excellent supporting performances by Luis Guzman (Cheadle’s conjoined acting twin), Albert Brooks, Dennis Farina (one of my favorite working actors), Steve Zahn and a swell cameo from Michael Keaton.

Mssr. Soderbergh is a player/manager (back in the day, some baseball managers also played). He seems to be most comfortable with a steadicam in his hands, inserting himself on the viewer’s behalf into the scene in a way that few directors do. This investment pays dividends in lots of his movies, but Out of Sight is dense with these…moments. A particular sequence with Lopez and Clooney in a Detroit highrise hotel kills me every time it’s so beautiful. It’s the most candid, vulnerable thing I’ve seen captured on film. In the words of one of my favorite authors Neal Stephenson, it leaves me feeling “naked and weak and brave.”

Soderbergh has demonstrated that he can make commercially successful movies more or less at will and he has ready access to Hollywood’s top shelf. My hope is that he will use this platform to continue taking risks on less mainstream fare. As with Out of Sight, when he nails it he nails it hard.

MrPikes’ Top 10 Favorite Movies: #3 Gun Shy (2000)

This post is part 9 of 12 in a series. To read the entire series in order: MrPikes' Top 10 Favorite Movies

A hugely underrated comedy, trampled by critics, this movie has never failed to delight anyone with whom I have shared it. Star power? Liam Neeson, Sandra Bullock, Oliver Platt (who hands-down steals it), Richard Schiff, Mitch Pileggi, but enriched by the excellent performances of every single supporting actor.

The comic timing is superb, the dialogue is inspired and the story is novel while keeping its place, i.e., it keeps things moving while not getting in the way of what this movie is really about, which is a series of moments between characters, backed by a fantastic soundtrack and New York City serving as the best backdrop I’ve seen short of Woody Allen.

From what I can tell, this was Eric Blakeney’s one directorial shot. He made a superlative movie for $10M, it lost money and he hasn’t sat in the chair since, which is a goddamn shame. If you haven’t seen it, then catch yourself in the mood to laugh and pop up some popcorn.

MrPikes’ Top 10 Favorite Movies: #4 Miller’s Crossing (1990)

This post is part 8 of 12 in a series. To read the entire series in order: MrPikes' Top 10 Favorite Movies

It’s impossible to settle on a single Coen Brothers movie as a favorite. I could go with any of half a dozen. Using a broad brush, Coen Brothers movies break down into two categories:

  1. Dark and epic
  2. Dark and goofy

Some are both. I have a soft spot for some of their perhaps lesser known movies like The Ladykillers (2004), Burn After Reading (2008) and especially Blood Simple (1984). Some of their movies are significantly better than others but, at the end of the day, I’ll watch anything that has the imprimatur of Joel and Ethan Coen purely on spec because I trust them completely.

Miller’s Crossing is an early movie in their careers. It is the most visually rich film I have ever seen ‒ Barton Fink (1991) comes in a close second ‒ thanks in part to fellow NYU graduate Barry Sonnenfeld’s role as director of photography. When Sonnenfeld directs his own movies his style is unmistakable ‒ Addams Family (1991), Men in Black (1997) ‒ but he is an extremely talented cinematographer in his own right.

Set as a Prohibition-era gangster flick, Miller’s Crossing is told through a combination of frenetic exposition (laden with eye-watering period slang) and intense, violent action. Huge performances, huge shots.

It’s wonderful to me how many top shelf actors flock to Coen Brothers’ projects. Steven Soderbergh (more on him in a later installment) is another director with whom actors seek out opportunities, and some actors (like George Clooney) have gotten to work with each.

Bonus fun film fact #1 about Miller’s Crossing: John Turturro allegedly based his performance in Miller’s Crossing on Barry Sonnenfeld.

Bonus fun film fact #2 about Miller’s Crossing: Albert Finney apparently had such a good time making the film that he hung around after his shooting schedule was finished. He appears (in drag) in the scene where Tom (Gabriel Byrne) walks into the ladies’ room to confront Verna (Marcia Gay Harden).

MrPikes’ Top 10 Favorite Movies: #5 Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical (2005)

This post is part 7 of 12 in a series. To read the entire series in order: MrPikes' Top 10 Favorite Movies

As I understand it, the original Reefer Madness (1936) started life as a church-group-funded PSA morality tale entitled Tell Your Children which ran out money. The property was then bought up by Dwain Esper who supplemented the footage and retitled the project. It’s fucking awful. The whole thing is a jingoistic reactionary caricature inspired by the anti-marijuana agenda of the 1930s, spearheaded by newspaper magnate and bastard-about-town William Randolph Hearst.

The 2005 musical film borrows from the fundamental plot points of the original (which appears as a special feature on the DVD) but it otherwise bears no resemblance. The ensemble cast includes Kristen Bell, Christian Campbell, Alan Cumming, Ana Gasteyer and Steven Weber and it features hilarious and brilliant performances by heaps of supporting actors including John Kassir, an accomplished voice actor popularly known as the voice of the Cryptkeeper.

Financed and released by Showtime, the scale and complexity of the movie is genuinely impressive. If hilarious irreverence with a sizable dollop of social commentary is your thing then please don’t let this gem pass you by.

Oh, and it features Kristen Bell’s seriously sweet ass in an all-too-brief S&M fantasy sequence that will give you and the Mister or Missus something to dine out on in bed for days.