@#$%ing Springtime

Posted on by mrpikes 3 Comments

I know that springtime has well and truly come to Richmond when the pollen count is pegged and my white car is rendered a yellowish green. I was just cutting the grass (right after mowing the lawn) when a thought occurred to me:

Nature is ejaculating on me.

Every time you step outside you’re walking in on one ginormous booty call (it would be helpful if Nature had a bow-chicka-bow-wow soundtrack, or at least hung a tie on the door), and every time you sneeze it’s the inverse of bukkake. If you don’t know what that is then follow the link at your own peril (and definitely not from work), but if you want a hint, see below:

Christmas Angel Bukkake

Chess Champion Gary Kasparov Attacked by Flying Penis

Posted on by mrpikes 1 Comment

There is officially no point in making shit up anymore.

I once wrote about Crossing Over, i.e., actions on the Internet having an effect on the physical plane. This is a little different. On December 20th, 2006, a CNET interview with Anshe Chung conducted in a Second Life venue was completely derailed by an assault of flying penises. It was very funny at the time, yes, because of all the flying dicks, but also because it pointed out the perils of counting on a virtual press interview to behave like the real thing. In other words, it was funny because it could only happen on the Internet.

That is until yesterday, when a real world meeting of Kremlin opposition activists led by Gary Kasparov was disrupted by an enormous radio-controlled flying cock. It was knocked out of the air quickly by a straight-faced security guard, who now has a unique item for his résumé. Kasparov, quick on his feet, restored order gracefully, remarking that the prank was “below the belt” and stating, “I think we have to be thankful for the opposition’s demonstration of the level of discourse we need to anticipate.”

Flying Penis Attacks Gary Kasparov

I am reminded of the (alleged) Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times.” So much classier than, “May you be attacked by a giant flying wang.”

Meaty Beaty Big and Bouncy

Posted on by mrpikes

Having addressed all other weighty matters of state, the Virginia legislature is considering HB 1452, which reads as follows:

No person shall display upon or equip any motor vehicle with any object or device that depicts, represents, or resembles human genitalia, regardless of size or scale.

The good news is that cloacas are still okay:

newt cloaca

The legislation was proposed specifically to criminalize Truck Nutz (marginally NSFW) and the like, because, according to the bill’s sponsor (Lionell Spruill, Sr.), a constituent complained to him that his young daughter saw such an accessory, asked him what it was, and he was flummoxed for a response (incidentally, the correct answer is, “That’s how you spot a redneck, sweetie.”).

No word yet on whether or not these will get a pass:

calvin ford