The Pious Pedant

So I went on a three year bender after the 2016 presidential election (if the other guy1 had won, it would have likely just been a two year bender), and the MrPikes blog went on hiatus. If you have a problem with that, talk to Vincent2. What do you want, a refund?

Part of what prodded me from my torpor was the Christmas season. Specifically, sanctimonious American Christians (hey, not all of ’em; it’s just the 95 percent making the other 5 look bad) who insist on asserting that there is a war on Christmas, before offering unsolicited reminders about “The reason for the season.” I wouldn’t normally be this irritated, but clubby and ignorant is a potent cocktail, and some of these people can’t get their own fucking mythology right.

The Immaculate Conception

This is not the same as the Virgin Birth. Let’s repeat that: The Immaculate Conception is not the same thing as the Virgin Birth. Lock eyes with yourself in a mirror and say it over and over again, slapping your face after each repetition. The Immaculate Conception refers to Mary’s conception, and God’s intervention so that Mary was born without Original Sin3, thus making her a suitable vessel to bear Jesus Christ.

Calvary Versus Cavalry

Calvary, AKA Golgotha4, is a site outside Jerusalem where Jesus Christ, according to scripture, was crucified.

Cavalry, on the other hand, refers to horseback-mounted soldiers. In modern warfare, it can refer to soldiers in armored vehicles. Happily, there is an easy mnemonic for remembering this, especially for University of Virginia adherents with names like Skip and Bunny. “Cavalier” refers to a mounted soldier, or a gentleman trained in arms and horsemanship, and it is UVA’s mascot. So, unless you get confused and picture this guy nailed to a tree, you have a handy device for remembering the difference.

UVA Cavman

Take or leave, but I have tons more respect for believers who actually invest the effort to get their own stuff right. One of my favorite Bill Hicks stories is about him getting harassed by some guys after a show. They were pushing him around, saying, “Hey buddy we’re Christians and we don’t like what you said.” Hicks replied, “Then forgive me.”


  1. You remember, the one who had to cheat to secure the nomination from a septuagenarian Pinko.

  2. Vincent van Gofuckyourself.

  3. “Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.”
    — Eddie Izzard

  4. Godzilla’s sworn enemy.

Genuine American Exceptionalism

I have been meaning to write about this for a while, but this Salon article is so good there is no point in restating it. To summarize:

First term Virginia Senator Jim Webb is engaged in what can only be characterized as a politically toxic but noble agenda: fundamental reform of our criminal justice system. From Senator’s Webb’s own web site:

  • With 5% of the world’s population, our country now houses 25% of the world’s reported prisoners.
  • Incarcerated drug offenders have soared 1200% since 1980.
  • Four times as many mentally ill people are in prisons than in mental health hospitals.
  • Approximately 1 million gang members reside in the U.S., many of them foreign-based; and Mexican cartels operate in 230+ communities across the country.
  • Post-incarceration re-entry programs are haphazard and often nonexistent, undermining public safety and making it extremely difficult for ex-offenders to become full, contributing members of society.

At least the U.S. is number one at something

This issue is something of a sacred cow to me because I believe that a fundamentally important measure of a civilization’s worth is in how it treats its wretched. It’s essentially a riff on Abraham Lincoln’s sentiment:

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.

Again from Jim’s Webb’s policy statement:

America’s criminal justice system has deteriorated to the point that it is a national disgrace. Its irregularities and inequities cut against the notion that we are a society founded on fundamental fairness. Our failure to address this problem has caused the nation’s prisons to burst their seams with massive overcrowding, even as our neighborhoods have become more dangerous. We are wasting billions of dollars and diminishing millions of lives.

We need to fix the system. Doing so will require a major nationwide recalculation of who goes to prison and for how long and of how we address the long-term consequences of incarceration.

We, invoking the voice of our national identity, can state uneqivocally that we are powerful but just. We can demonstrate as a matter of policy that we will always take the high road, especially when that way is hard, and we can again lead the nations of the world by example.

While this attitude extends far beyond criminal justice reform, for starters think of this post the next time some reference to prison rape comes up on your favorite sitcom or in casual conversation. You know what I mean. “Don’t bend over for the soap” is an axiom, and pop culture references such as “The trick is: kick someone’s ass the first day, or become someone’s bitch,” (á la Office Space) abound.

Imagine for a moment the genuine, pure swelling of pride you might feel from being a member of a huge, powerful and principled nation. Two out of three sucks, and Senator Webb is doing something about that, at tremendous expense to his political capital.