I love Hallowe’en.
Tag: the abyss
The Search Continues
I frequently use the gender-neutral pronoun “hu” on this blog, and in regular speech and correspondence. The word’s creator is an old friend of mine and (in all its simplicity) I set up hupronoun.org for him. Periodically I scan the site’s web logs to look at the volume of traffic, and see what search strings people use to find the site. One unfortunate (but hilarious) discovery I made is that people find the site because they search on “pron” instead of “porn”. In some cases it might actually be an innocent typo, but “pron” (“pr0n”, actually) is Leetspeak for “pornography”, and was conceived to circumvent content filters (previously).
FTW, here are some of my recent favorite search strings from hupronoun.org:
- female pron
- gymnastics pron
- beautiful pron
- to young for pron
- flexible pron
- folk pron
- older women pron
- pron jobs for male
I scan my own web logs, too, because I find it fascinating to learn how people found me, and to speculate on what they actually were looking for. It’s also interesting to view in aggregate the span of subject matter I’ve covered over the years. Some of my favorite search strings from the last year:
- perfect shower temperature
- sociopath carnegie win friends and influence people
- how to handle post-consumption tampons
- cloaca (a surprising number of hits)
- ibonkedmymom
- how much does a 150-pound person weigh under the metric system
- midget porn
Happy memories all.
Damn it…
This was waiting for me when I got to the salt mines this morning:
I hate being predictable…
Flow Tip #1 – Voice Mail
Here’s a dandy little scheme to make the world a better place, you sons of bitches:
When trying to reach someone at multiple numbers (work, home, cell), only leave a message on the last number you try. Think about it, it wastes the least time of both parties involved, and gets the job done just fine.
My brain hurts a little when I get a message along the lines of:
Hi, it’s Bob. I wanted to blah blah blah blahdeblah blah blah. I’m going to try you on your cell.”
WTF, Bob? If you actually get me on my cell, then you will have blown 90 seconds of your time leaving a message, and 90 seconds of my time retrieving it. And for what? I have no idea where your sombrero is.
Hi, it’s Bob. My time is apparently worthless, and yours is an externality, so I’ll be leaving duplicates of this message on each of your numbers. Okay, bye.
I recently wrote a post on flow – when interacting with other people, making a conscious effort to make things flow better for everyone. While individual instances of flow-promoting or flow-impeding behavior may seem trivial, in aggregate they can have a powerful effect on one’s day. As the title of this post suggests, I intend to make this a series. Got a flow tip? Send it in and, providing it doesn’t suck, I will shamelessly steal and publish it as my own.
On Flow
If you’ve read the book or seen the film “Pay It Forward,” then the concept of engaging in selfless acts to make the world a better place is not new to you. I do this myself in small, practical ways. Given any public situation – driving, grocery shopping, walking down a hallway – I look for opportunities to make things flow better. This could mean offering to take someone’s empty shopping cart when hu is on the way out and I’m on the way in, or making an effort to ensure that no one has to apply hus brakes in reaction to a move that I make on the highway. Typically these actions cost me very little, but they are executed with the mindset of flow – conscious acknowledgment that I am one among many people, each of us trying to get from one place to another, or accomplish tasks simultaneously. New Yorkers, incidentally, have got this down pat. On an average weekday, New York’s public transportation system accommodates 7.5 million trips. That’s about as many breaths as you’ve taken in the last year. If a New Yorker is ever rude to you, there is a decent chance that you did something to impede the overall flow. With their throughput, if too many people were to engage in non-flow-promoting behavior, the whole city would promptly shit itself and gridlock.
This conscious approach to coexistence has become so ingrained that I feel physically uncomfortable (cringey) when I see people thoughtlessly, or otherwise, impede flow (asshole drivers, meanderthals and the like). I am not a confrontational fellow (too much like proseletizing), but I have taken to catching such people’s eye and giving them a small, disappointed shake of my head, trying to convey with gesture, “The world can be a very hard place to live in – all kinds of random shit can wear you down, or take you out of it altogether – so why the fuck are you making it just that little bit harder for the rest of us to get along in it?”
Opening my kimono a bit wider than usual, the idea that deists/atheists are amoral saddens me. I consider myself to have a strong sense of morality, one that I came by honestly and practice in daily life. Playing straw man a bit, I could counter an assertion made by a devout member of one of God’s many franchises that being godless is akin to being a sociopath, merely by pointing out that my values system is not based on some scary, eternal salvation/damnation model but on a highly practical, fulfilling effort to do good works simply because everyone benefits.
Honestly, which sounds more genuine? “Be virtuous, or you’re doomed to an eternity of fire and poking,” or “We’re all on our own, so why not lighten each other’s load a little”?
I’ve felt awkward the entire time I’ve been writing this. I am not smug, and I have no agenda other than putting an idea out there that might make a random passerby pause and reflect. Please, go delight someone for no reason other than that the world could stand to be more delightful, or that someone might appreciate having a little time cut off of hus commute.
Instant Rimshot
Okay, so this is my new favorite thing.
I give you: The Instant Rimshot
I can think of so many inappropriate uses for this little gem. For damn sure, I’ll be taking my laptop to more meetings.
Om Nom Nom Nom, Revisited
Intriguing
So I just got a cat and, in preparation for her arrival, I went a little nuts on toys at the pet store. Assorted busy balls, fishing pole with feathered doodad, radio-controlled mouse, thing-on-a-spring and, of course, a laser pointer.
Good packaging catches your eye, draws you in, then instills in you the feeling that your entire life has been a mere prelude to this moment. YOU MUST HAVE THIS CONSUMER ITEM.
The laser pointer’s packaging wasn’t like that, but I found it very amusing all the same:
How do you tell if a reptile is intrigued? Does it stroke its chin, musing? Does it produce a pipe, drawing on it in deep reflection? The answer is, “You just know.” Below is a comparison of a lizard prior to the introduction of a laser pointer, and after:
You just know.
Coining a Joke
Yesterday I rolled $100 worth of household change while wearing nothing but a fez and formal shoes, drinking absinthe and listening to Rossini’s The Thieving Magpie full blast over and over again.
A friend asked me, “Why did you do that?”
My response: “Cuz that’s how I roll.”
Om Nom Nom Nom!
Always good for a diversion, omnomnomnom.com is a collection of images doctored so as to suggest a monster consuming someone or something. It is critically important to say “Om Nom Nom Nom!” in a Cookie Monster voice while refreshing your way through the pictures. Below is my own meager contribution to the art form:
Restraint
I’ve had the honor of serving as best man three times, and I’ve started my toast the same way each time:
The problem with being the best man is that you never get to prove it.
That’s the problem with showing restraint as well. You seldom get credit because no one knows you’ve done it. It’s worse than thinking of the perfect line three minutes after its intended recipient has left. The line is right there, but you choose not to use it.
I was at a friend’s desk this afternoon when a woman we work with stopped by. This woman is intelligent, savvy and widely acknowledged throughout the office as quite a dish. The conversation turned to where should she take her team for a holiday lunch. My pal recommended a particular restaurant because the waitresses are always gorgeous, before conceding that this might not, in fact, be an important feature for her. She said, “Yeah, not my cup of tea.”
Even though I died a little inside, I refrained from saying “Damn it!” then handing my buddy five bucks.
And this is yet one more reason why I think it’s just completely unfair that HR has me on speed dial.
Is This Because of the Al Qaeda?
I take an interest in security, from the perspective of “What is the threat, how effective is a given security measure at dealing with that threat, and is the trade off of convenience, liberty or whatever worth it to those who have to interact with the security measure day to day?”
From the previous question posed, what requirement is not met?
When confronted with a particularly egregious, invasive or pointless security measure, I have taken to asking the “person in charge” (be that a receptionist, security staff member, police officer, etc.) with wide-eyed, straight-faced concern, “Is this because of the Al Qaeda?” Sometimes they catch on immediately to the fact that they have a smartass on their hands *, other times they respond with genuine reassurance. Regardless, the reactions are always fun. It’s not unlike a Buddhist koan, in that it may arrest the person from hus preconceptions regarding the basis or efficacy of the security measure at hand. Or not.
I’m sick and tired of hearing “In these troubled times in which we live…” or “In this post-9/11 world…” Those overworked talking points only serve to delay us from returning to some sort of baseline of common sense. It is impossible simultaneously to live in a free society and be 100% secure. I do not mean to say that we should do nothing, but we need to swing the pendulum away from reactionary, intrusive, high-visibility/low-effectiveness, fear mongering security measures that are stomping all over what makes this country great. I sincerely believe that Americans simply have not reached the tipping point where fear turns to anger, beyond which they will fight these intrusions – with their votes and their dollars.
Sooner would be better. Maybe we would have been better off if Richard Reid had been the “underwear bomber“.
* A couple of years ago I was in line at a security checkpoint in O’Hare when a TSA employee saw the “Selectee” code on my boarding pass and informed me, “Sir, you have been selected for special screening.” I let a big smile grow across my face and with enthusiasm said, “Really? I never win anything!” I watched his mind work for a few seconds, “Idiot or smartass? Idiot or smartass? Yep. Smartass.”